Monday, January 3, 2011


I sit there and wait for something to happen, to be yelled at again. The sinking feeling in my stomach won’t stop; each breath making it heavier and heavier.
I am alone, depressed, rejected, betrayed.
How did I get to this point in life? It was so happy so bright with color, vibrant and exhilarating. I lived for each day loved every breath I was allowed. I was completely in love with my surroundings, never wanting a dull moment.
Until that night when it all went wrong...  It seemed harmless a drink here and there, sneaking around, a love that wasn’t approved of, but what’s the big deal its just a little white lie right?
Then something happens, a friend’s betrayal, you found out that you meant nothing to them because they are their number one priority. They come first and you.. Well you get thrown under the bus. The world comes crashing down, I can’t breathe, and I don’t want to live. The trust is gone, the friends are gone, and life becomes a chore rather than a privilege. What happens next…?
I don’t know. The thought goes through my head every day.
To not care anymore to be a “bad” kid, the alcoholic, the pot smoker, the easy girl, the pill popper.  These labels don’t matter anymore; life feels as if it is over. Pulling me down into a spiral that is black and seems as if it never will end. The eating stops, the weight starts to drop, people are worried. My head is spinning all day long with the “what ifs” I wish I could change it I want to go back. Every moment burns in my throat i wish it was possible.
The world feels as though it’s closing in, sucking my life with it as it goes. But there is no time machine nothing can change what happened.
I just want to feel normal again. The choice is clear. Life moves along and I need to
move along with it. An old friend returns and I can see the light once more. It flickers feebly in front of me daring me to reach out and grasp it. I did. Slowly, I come back to myself; it feels as though the heavy dark mist has lifted off. The light seems brighter. I can breathe normally most days now, I’ve slowly began to return to who I was before. The light and happy feelings return slowly once again, warm and welcoming like a summers day; life smells sweet, fresh, and new.

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